Today, I write to you with a heavy, broken heart. Last night, at about six thirty in the evening, Jordan and I lost our precious little baby. I was instantly reminded of how short and fragile life truly is, for I had no signs of warning that something was wrong, only a few hours of bleeding, ending in our baby's death. I am still in shock and rose this morning wondering if it had really happened. But it did. Jordan and I are devastated and are mourning our baby's death. There is a time for everything, and now it is our time to suffer in pain. It's hard to believe how rapidly everything can change. The bleeding came very lightly at first, and then within a matter of hours, progressed into heavy bleeding. I sobbed and sobbed in bed, while Jordan comforted me. He didn't know at that point that our baby was probably dead or dying, but I felt it. I prayed that if I was not meant to have this baby, that it would pass quickly. He answered...for in a matter of minutes, I saw my baby dead in the toilet. It was a mere bunch of tissue and inside was a tiny ball, no bigger that the size of a pea. I then realized that the baby had not been growing the past few weeks and had possibly been dead for a few weeks. Being so young and pretty healthy, I never would have imagined having a miscarriage, it didn't seem likely or even possible. After I had passed the baby, my head swam with such intense emotion and I began to feel guilty, wondering what I had done wrong. I know that this thought was directly from Satan, and I burned it from my mind almost as soon as it entered I spoke with my midwife and she told me that the percentage of pregnancies ending in miscarriage is pretty high, and that often times there isn't a rhyme or reason. But enough about chances and percentages, I am writing you today to talk about suffering in Father's will. The one thing that kept ringing in my heart, while Jordan and I wept together, was the hymn "It is Well With My Soul." Years ago, when my parents and I were suffering through a growing time, my papa expressed to me a deep connection he felt with the hymn, and shared with me the story of the man who wrote it. I am going to now include an excerpt from an online article written about the man...
"This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled,
'It is well with my soul', you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words,
"When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of
Spafford's life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.
Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because
of Horatio's legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close
friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords' only
son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio
had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was
wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.
Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four
daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest -- DL Moody needed the help. He was
traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in
late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French
steamer 'Ville de Havre' across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development
forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned.
He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford
returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read:
"Saved alone."
On November 2nd 1873, the 'Ville de Havre' had collided with 'The Lochearn', an English vessel. It sank in only
12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters
Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being
torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a
plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had
been rescued, Mrs. Spafford's first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her,
"You were spared for a purpose." And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, "It's easy to be grateful
and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God."
Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved
wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father's
voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. "A careful reckoning has been made", he said, "and
I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep." Horatio
then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.
The words which Spafford wrote that day come from 2 Kings 4:26. They echo the response of the Shunammite
woman to the sudden death of her only child. Though we are told "her soul is vexed within her", she still
maintains that 'It is well." And Spafford's song reveals a man whose trust in the Lord is as unwavering as hers
was.It would be very difficult for any of us to predict how we would react under circumstances similar to those
experienced by the Spaffords. But we do know that the God who sustained them would also be with us."
I am truly amazed by this man's faith, because it is real. You see, those are the kind of people that Father is looking for. NOt people who pursue Christ at their selfish convenience and when all is well, and then turn and curse God and wonder why God is "doing this to them," whenever they endure suffering. No, Father is looking for people to drink suffering people who accept and understand that in order to know Father's love, they must suffer in pain for it. Love has a great price, and the price is to share in a part of the suffering that Christ endured. Father is looking for people who press closer to him and cling to him during suffering. He's not interested in those who complain and whine during suffering, but those who are compelled by their grief and pain to pursue him even more. I am not saying that Father doesn't want you to mourn and sorrow. By all means, sorrow and mourn, but do it with the intent to love Christ more and with the willingness to endure. I choose to be willing to endure and to share in Christ's suffering. I do not know what amount of suffering I am called to yet, but I do know that now and when future sufferings come my way, that I will actively fight Satan's whispered lies and pursue my Lord with greater desire and passion. I choose not to let this steal the joy that Father brings me. I will mourn, yes, but I will cling tightly to the promise that love can only come through suffering. I want to know Father and his love. Though the journey is marked with pain and suffering, I will press on.
